Also theres a debate up thread about if prostitution is legal in Vegas (seems to be no, but it is legal nearby). Funny, random story (OP, do not tell your husband this), one of my husbands coworkers met his wife while they were both on trips in Vegas. So this is a relationship question, as Allison and others have said. If I were married and my husband told me that he honestly thought so little of me that he assumed I would cheat on him because I was going to Vegas for a business conference, I would be heartbroken. Create an account or log in to participate. 2005-2023Everyday Health, Inc., a Ziff Davis company. I agree. I mean sure its possible hes found someone that shares his view, but I think its mostly him just hearing what he wants to hear. Unless OP has a history of partying hard and getting black-out drunk (which doesnt seem to be the case), I think theres little to worry about here. Dont get in a bike accident! How does he handle that? His concerns are irrational, the trip is a reasonable expectation from your employer, and so you need to go and let him manage his feelings about it. Because thats the only possible response to that stunt. But it was a pain in the ass to get there, I felt super unsafe walking around at night (as in, someone else from the conference actually got muggedthere were few street lights and the streets were deserted after dark), and the food sucked. Thanks for the partially chewed chili on my keyboard. Pretty much. There are some really great desert trails out there! But he didnt make a peep when we took her to Vegas for our wedding! We also were both active-duty for the first couple years we were together. Theres concern, and then theres overreacting. Each year my entire family goes to the beach at the end gets a beach house where we stay for a week. Its hard enough to be a single lady without constantly watching single ladies being attacked!! This is always my response to people and they always get mad at me for saying it. A relationship problem is not necessarily a problem where both people in the relationship are doing something wrong, but a problem that affects the relationship. He is not being reasonable or rational, so dont even try to engage with him as if he is. But Im not at all confident this is the source of the husbands issues :(. You also really have to go because youre the primary breadwinner in the family. Unless youre her son. You have three options in how to proceed: (1) You could say no to the trip (a week off can be just impossible to coordinate these days! My husband makes every work trip a miserable experience for me and is angry at me for days before and days after. If anything those are probably among the safer places in the country. Holy smokes. My cousins wife asks permission for everything and it makes me side-eye that entire side of my family. It may not necessarily be abusive, but it is controlling it doesnt get a pass just because other people would do it. If something written is thought to mean the opposite of what it says that is not reading, it is MISreading. It sounds like he may possibly have an anxiety disorder of some type. We took turns driving and stopped whenever we needed to fill up with gas or have a break, and if LO started crying and needed to be fed, we'd stop then, too. I absolutely dread this. Ahh, I was wondering where he found all these friends. Youre not choosing your career over your marriage when you take three days to sit in a conference hall, for chrissake. I agree with your husband .. We talked about it a lot and it turns out that most of his fears were based on baggage from previous relationships (2 of his exes cheated). Vegas isnt the problem here. If this is more an inexperience thing, it still needs to stop but I think it is less worrying than control/abuse issues. Yes, but even then, not a spouses authority to decide if hubby/wife can go on a trip, business or otherwise. Marriage counselling is categorically not recommended if there is abuse. The main drag did not feel dangerous to me at all. AP, this is just a wonderful post. (I would be in the back with the baby and my older daughter). Not a single word uttered). Im going to start with a description, because people often ignore this anxiety is a horrible physical and mental state to be in. Depending on your husband's interests and how often you plan to visit the parks, there may be a pass that suits his needs. Everything he is afraid of is very very unlikely to happen and no more likely to happen in Vegas than any other city. This is CONTROLLING and MANIPULATIVE behaviour. And I dont know whether I asked permission, exactly, to plan some activities on my own this weekend to decompress from a week of solo child care, but I did run it by her she was of course supportive, but sometimes with this kind of planning there are scheduling issues we have to work out. And when your husband does things like that, why would you choose him over anything else? We had screaming matches over girls night out or any activity that might throw me in the path of men. Kj will notice if you dont come home one night.. I couldnt be with someone this domineering and controlling. as a manager, should I not wear a childless shirt in my off-hours? Obviously when I say five hours it would be added time for stopping. Im familiar with the kind of irrational worst case scenario anxiety youre talking about. Just live in an exurb of a big city rather than a small town), they find this baffling. Thank you, other wise my husband is very supportive. Thats the weirdest part of it to me! update: is my future manager a bigoted jerk? Group Leaders arent expected to spend any additional time in the community, and are not held to a set schedule. If your husband doesnt trust you to handle three days sitting in conference rooms in Las Vegas with your coworkers, thats a fundamental relationship problem. Later I saw an art exhibit. Group Owners uphold the core values of the brand by reporting content that violates the community guidelines. I know that you arent the one with the issue, but just letting you know. One doesnt just spontaneously undo decades of enculturation, on either side, and women are taught that we are *supposed* to accept emotional baggage AND that it is OUR JOB to do the emotional labor of fixing other peoples negative emotional states. What happens in Vegas was a successful ad campaign that ran its course a long time ago, not a requirement for how to treat the trip. I also worry about my spouse traveling without me. Its either anxiety or abuse, or both, or neither; and none of those things address the husbands *behaviour* or the OPs next steps. Something tells me that his unofficial polling of his friends went something like this: Husband: Oh my god, can you believe the irresponsible way in which my wifes employer is taking them on a conference to Vegas. His friends live in DC so I'm considering seeing if we could drive there first and spend the night w them (about five hours from where we live). Its OK to not be 100% available to handle his feelings 100% of the time! You write that he is friendly but just doesn't like to socialize outside of the house. It was BAD. Whether hes choosing them consciously or not, hes certainly trying to use them as a weapon to manipulate his wife into doing what he wants. Abuse isnt as uncommon as you think it is. Choosing your career over your marriage is only possible when your husband turns a normal business situation into an ultimatum. Theres other stuff to when she was in Vegas last she dressed differently and the way she talked to me. Last year when she went not only did I work my 2 jobs but I tiled our laundry room to stay busy and keep my mind on things. Please specify a reason for deleting this reply from the community. I gave the ring back soon after. Sounds like this husband needs to identify exactly what he is afraid ofI highly doubt that both his wife cheating and her getting kidnapped are equal fears because they stem from different insecurities, but hey, maybe hes insecure about everything. I used the work on policy areas around crime, and in the UK, people places with low crime rates have a much higher fear of crime than people from high crime areas. We actually started in couples counseling and it was working through that process that convinced him to go to individual counseling and go on medication. Whatever the cause, a therapist will best equipped to help. Yes, this could actually be what he really is freaking out about, in my experience. Since I took the position five years ago, they have sent management on a three-day business trip each year. Im anxious and so is my Mother, so Ive been on both sides of this, and I have a lot of sympathy for you, OP, and for your spouse too. Roppongi it is! The lack of trust here is pretty disturbing, as are his over-the-top fears. I say this as an anxiety disorder sufferer who becomes excessively worried when my partner travels for work, but of course I support him regardless of the fact that its stressful for me m y anxiety is on me to manage in a healthy way. It was a blast! I think youre right, but it really needs to be highlighted up top: a lot of people tend to think that couples counseling is for us issues, and this is 100% a him issue. She takes trips with friends, or solo, a few times a year. Your man doesnt have much of an opinion of you, does he? To me, that means childish. In which case OP should divorce his sorry ass posthaste, because those guys are genuinely dangerous and also do not deserve companionship. If you leave it as a well go eventually and never book it, and also never talk about it, things are gonna get worse. I could understand some concern about being on a business trip to an unfamiliar (at least somewhat) city but this sounds over the top. Most of the shows arent appealing, either, and theyre almost all too expensive. Sometimes, what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas because it was incredibly boring, like three days of being in windowless conference rooms. I certainly didnt forget that, in case anybodys wondering. Then they can work together to find a way to work with his fears, like maybe she checks in with him a few times a day at certain times. My SO has been to more conferences in Vegas than I think anywhere else because of the ease with which hotel rooms can be acquired. Im certain he is imagining some lawless back alley den of sin. My mom cancelled their first date and was always busy when he tried to reschedule until she finally gave in. I totally went on a family trip to Vegas when I was like 12 or so, and there was plenty of family friendly stuff to do. I mean, the worst thing that happened to me in Vegas was that I came back 10 pounds heavier from all the buffets. I went to Vegas last year and didnt do anything Vegas-y, other than see one show. It can be challenging to know when to kind of cater to her anxiety (she is able to relax much better if I check the door locks before bed than if she does it, so I do it but never more than once a night), and when to decide that her worry about a particular issue has passed the point where I can be supportive and is just on her to manage (I refuse to provide reassurance for a 7th round of what if this offhand comment I made at work was overheard by the wrong person and totally misinterpreted and I get fired and then I cant find another job and then we lose the house?). Im wondering if perhaps your husband doesnt have the life experience of travelling to big cities and realizing that all of them are much different than portrayed in the media? We walk through various casinos and gawk. But in that case Anxious Controlling Husband would worry the OP would leave him for a donkey, Nothing like a donkey show joke to class up a comment thread. Also, thanks to Zappos, downtown is being rejuvenated as an artsy community of sorts, with galleries, boutiques and yes hipstery eateries. If you think Im the type of person who would cheat well Im not interested in spending time with you because you seem to have a pretty horrible opinion of me. I know this is way off-topic, but deplane is a horrendous word. If you can get that sort of perspective before the trip, that would be great. Time to treat him like a tantruming toddler. I only wanted to get someplace, anyplace, without slot machines. husband doesn t want to go on family vacation. The obvious thing is that anxiety, fear and control issues are not rational, and no matter how many times you state the reality, it wont change a thing. Indifference. Couples counseling can be super helpful even if the source (so to speak) of the problem is one partner. Good luck, Emma. The next step absolutely should be counseling, but I dont know that its fair for us to fault the OP for not making it the first step, you know? If its an anxiety or OCD issue, there are specific skills that partners and caregivers need to learn to support treatment goals and avoid inadvertently rewarding the problematic thoughts and behaviors. On a larger scale, I see a couple of concerning things here. It's essential to show interest in the things your spouse enjoys, even if you don't share the same enthusiasm. Make sure that appointment is booked. If an employee told me that she wasnt able to go, that would result in me having a conversation about expectations and this is not unreasonable. Its just worth knowing that having a long list of good traits doesnt mean you arent in a problematic relationship, or that you cant choose nope for your own emotional health. This is OPs husbands issue, not hers. You cant expect someone with a broken leg to ski down a mountain; you cant expect someone in an irrational state of fear to behave in a reasonable manner *in the moment*. I resent our new hires for setting better work-life boundaries than our company normally has, hairy legs at work, my office sent me a random TV, and more, heres an example of a great cover letter with before and after versions, my employee cant handle even mildly negative feedback, my new coworker is putting fake mistakes in my work so she can tell our boss Im bad at my job, insensitive Diversity Day, how to fire someone who refuses to talk to us, and more, weekend open thread February 25-26, 2023, assistant became abusive when she wasnt invited to a meeting, my coworkers dont check on people who are out sick, and more. I question who he was talking to that would say they wouldnt let their spouses go. Im good at what I do and I dont want to be made to feel bad because of it. Ill let my boss know that Ill need to leave work a bit early those days so I can get the kids from daycare., If it were my wife, my response would be Have fun Watch the lights in the sky to the north at night.,and Dont try to bet on 37 at roulette.. Honestly, Vegas is what you make it, and its different things for different people. There are counties where selling alcohol is illegal. Well the place was built by mobsters to skin the rubes in casinos . People have stranger danger drilled into their heads, but woman are far more likely to be hurt/assaulted/murdered by a domestic partner or acquaintance.